Race Wars

*Sniff* *Sniff* You smell that? *Sniff* Smells like controversy. No... *Sniff* Smells like racism. Hmm, getting closer. *Sniff, Sniff* Ah, now I know. It smells like the new season of Survivor.

The stuttering grandpapi of reality junk TV is back again, pitting prize-hungry camera whores against each other for the chance at a million dollars and the title of Sole Survivor. The next installment in the long-running reality series will take place on the Cook Islands (a bunch of tiny islands in the South Pacific, near New Zealand). Yes, another watery, beachy locale... nothing new here.

What IS new (sort of), is the introduction of yet another attention-grabbing "twist" to the standard rules of Survivor canon. The contestants, 20 in all, will be divided into their starting tribes based on race, which means that... well, it means the game is, err, sort of made um... it''s like this, it drastically affects the way the challenges will be, um.. okay, I give in. Let's be frank: this does nothing for the series, it does nothing for the game.

Douchey douchebag host, Jeff Probst, solemnly espouses the new twist as some kind of grand social experiment. First off, I feel there was already plenty of racial (and gender) tension in previous seasons of Survivor. If it didn't come "naturally" from the actions of the contestants, it was quite easily fabricated by the show's producers, with their hyper-manipulative editing of footage and interview sound bites. If you're gonna pull off a controversial stunt like this to reinvigorate your long-in-the-tooth reality show, at least be honest about it.

Just come out and say, "Hey, we know race is still a sensitive issue in America. And if you don't think so, then hell, we'll MAKE IT a sensitive issue. Come and watch regular folks like you make racist on a remote bunch of islands while they build shitty huts, cook shitty rice and race through 26 shitty obstacle courses through the shitty jungle." Their shameless audacity would disarm me out of my pop culturally programmed stupor and I would respect and love them for it.

The 4 tribes are separated as follows: Team Cracker, Team Taco, Team Rickshaw and Team Lazy.

If there's one advantage to this whole race wars concept, it's that they're not longer limited to painting the token black guy as The Lazy One. Now they have entire team of lazies to work with. Look... I've watched my share of Survivor, probably 5 - 6 full seasons and I've stumbled on the more recent iterations while channel surfing in the past. There's always a black man or woman thrown into the mix of contestants. Without fucking fail, the black man is always portrayed as someone who is lazy or someone who's a quitter. Every damn time. The women are usually painted a bit differently, but hardly any more flattering. The black women I've seen on the show are always portrayed as obnoxious complainers or incorrigible gossip fiends. It's actually quite disgusting how consistently the show does this.

Having said all this... I am VERY tempted to tune into the premiere on September 14th. Being Chinese, I could have some fun rooting for Team Asian Persuasion: they seem to have a pretty interesting mix of personalities. The new cast also features 2 hotties, one asian and the other on Team Wonderbread. There are only the two, but you know you'll see them in bikinis and/or scanty rags at some point and the environment is always condusive to nurturing a nice, albeit bug-bite pocked, tan. Sooo... those are the hooks for me right now.

Damn you, Mark Burnett. Your show has reached new lows, but sadly, you've seduced me into tuning in for at least one evening.