Fitness World: Scoping Chronicles Part 2 of 3

It's here, people! It's midnight and I'm tired but I'll be damned if I don't at least get started on the highly awaited follow-up to my first post about Fitness World, which is easily the Starbucks of fitness clubs in my neck of the woods. To refresh your memory, you can look over the goods here and read my semi-sequel to that post about my girly arms.

Here it is, Part 2 of my continuing saga to visually molest every attractive girl I see at the gym. It sounds distasteful, because it is and it's the reality of all men who set foot inside the flesh pile that is Fitness World. Anything else is a full out lie! So I'm going to lay it all out here and now: I likey to appraise the many hot females at my gym. There are many, many archetypes and I've tried to distill it down to any girl at the gym who I'd take a second look at. So if you're perhaps looking for my analysis on the granny who reps a 2.5 lbs dumbell for five minutes before calling it a day or my take on the sweat-soaked yuppie dude on the stationary bicycle, you may be a little disappointed with the next 500 or so words.

With any luck, my superficial and demeaning terminology will catch on to our present zeitgeist and I'll become the next pop culture phenom. Stranger things have happened, no? To the post!

Little Miss Breakable
These gym girls are small, compact packages of sexual sin. They are usually not the most scantily clad bodies on the floor but you can bet they are up on the fitness fashion and are clad in at least 1 garment from Lululemon. Part of their appeal is directly attributable to their moniker. That is, in our more confident moments, we men have this bravado about our own "prowess" in the sack and in particular, with women who are small in stature and seemingly easier to "handle". Therein lies the origins of the name Little Miss Breakable, because many of these babes are so tiny and tight, the manly thrusts of our members would surely pummel their fragile bodies asunder.

This fantasy is of course preposterous on every conceivable level of physical possibility, not to mention the legal/moral implications of literally fucking a girl to pieces. *Ahem*, moving on...

Toothpick Girl aka "Skeletor"
This babe is essentially a Little Miss Breakable gone horribly wrong. Regular gym visits and a healthy diet are replaced with a dangerous flirting relationship with every girl's suitor tag team from Hell: Anorexia and Bulimia. I don't personally find these girls very arousing to gaze upon, although I may find the rare one who has a hint of actual hips or breasts or just a very pretty face. Since when does Lululemon produce loose-fitting, baggy clothing? Oh right, they don't. These girls are just freakin' skeletons. Some guys would jump at the chance to slide their shaft into a random, bony orifice, but not me. Next!

Blah Blonde
If you don't know me in "meat space" aka. the Real World, then you don't know my affinity for the stereotypical hot blonde. There is something about an attractive blonde woman that is hard to beat. It's that Aryan nation kind of poise and inherent superiority that somehow turns my crank like a madass, horny mofo.

That said, I've noticed that all gyms, not just Fitness World, are rife with the Blah Blonde. This is the blonde girl who has defied the laws of nature and has managed to not be attractive. Now this doesn't mean they are hideous to look at. They are simply very plain. They typically do not have a lot of tone and definition to their bodies, appearing rather square and blocky. Stubby limbs and a pale complexion usually completes the unsatisfying picture. Man, the paleness and freckles! Can someone please tell me why Blah Blondes are pale and have that rosy cheeked look that makes them look almost childish?

I've included these ladies on my list because they do have potential to be stone-cold hotties. That's why I keep seeing them at the gym sweating it out on the ellipticals with their obscenely red faces. They obviously want to get hot and Aryan on our asses. Ironically enough, almost all of these plain Jane blondes are actually real blondes, as opposed to their hotter counterparts who are more prone to sport the dye jobs.

Large Parts aka "Sexy Chunk"
Now we get into the good stuff. These type of babes are quickly rising up on my list of "ones to watch". A girl who qualifies as Large Parts probably embodies what is most widely desired by men when they go looking for a female playmate. Mainstream media would have you believe differently. I could describe these girls as being curvaceous, but that wouldn't do them justice. These days, "curvaceous" connotates fat and these girls are far from being the typical fat, sloppy chicks.

Imagine if you will a plastic mold of the female form, shaped to allow ample room for showcasing all the prime locations of excitation: tits n' ass. Then imagine that the almighty Creator then pours into this mold the meaty substance of our lady. The flesh is poured into the mold in abundance, stressing the limits of the mold but only enough to create an uneasy tension. The mold holds, so what we have at the end of this process is a body that is full, yet contained, tight yet pliable. And best of all, you are guarranteed a sizeable booty and decent rackage. Yeah, you heard me. RACKAGE.

Big, giant bonus points for a Large Parts who also happens to be a blonde and sporting a perfect cinnamon summer tan. These type of girls are quickly becoming my favourite, can you tell? God forbid I'm crossing a busy street one day and I spy one of these girls out the corner of my eye...

The only downside to these chicks lies in the future, when they may suddenly stop working out and spontaneously transform into sloppy fat chicks. The mold breaks and the blob inside expands and goes crazy.

Make-up Monster
The name says it all really. These gym babes do not quite understand the full concept of working out at a gym, and that is to exercise and get sweaty and filthy because you're exerting your body towards a physical, healthy goal. Reeking of perfume and caking on the eyeliner normally does not work to further this sort of objective. But there's no keeping the Make-up Monster down, oh no. They lay on the make-up and can sometimes be caught reapplying their rouge or whatever in the middle of their workout.

To be fair, most of these types often pick a fairly pleasant-smelling perfume to douse themselves with. They also tend to be fit, older women so they are obviously in a battle against the relentless forces of nature to retain their fading good looks. Basically, they are still worth scoping out. Just sometimes their obsession with image and their own insecurity only serves to make them look desperate and manufactured.

Time Fighter
I must give credit to the 2005 Uma Thurman romantic comedy vehicle, Prime, for this choice term! I haven't seen the movie, but I read a review that recounted the moment when a male character refers to our alluring, but aging protagonist hottie as a "time fighter". Brilliant!

Time Fighters are the Make-up Monsters minus the nauseating chemical overload. These women mean business. They are lean, they are cut and they probably leave you in their dust on the Grousse Grind. The elite Time Fighters are often yuppie MILFs who know what's fashionable to wear to the gym but are at least mature enough to have some class and not expose every nook and cranny of their immaculate bodies.

Sure, their skin shows the ravages of years of careless sun exposure and they show a little crows feet action in the facial regions, but who cares? They still look great and they have years of sexual shenanigans under their belts. Just imagining the bedroom scenarios are enough to get me in a tizzy as I use a mirrored pillar to sneak some sidelong glances at these mature lovelies.

And that, folks, concludes Part 2 of this series. If you're a woman, congratulations for still reading my blog. Join me for Part 3, where I will conclude my finely tuned analysis of Sporty Spice, Just Right, Phone Maven, G.I. Jane and many more!