Fitness World: Scoping Chronicles Part 3 of 3

Welcome to my final (or is it?) segment of my gym babe oggling magnum opus.

Before I begin I would like to thank everyone for their support and for keeping their catcalls of "dirty old bastard" to a minimum. I would also like to pay tribute and give credit where it is properly due. In Part 2, I revealed to you the archetypes, the overdone "Make Up Monster" and the delectable "Large Parts". Both of these terms were originally coined by my good friend, who we'll refer to as Bilbo in order to protect the innocent. We'll be encountering even more terminology coined by my brilliant friend, who I should add, is a faithful Christian, unmarried and gets 20x more ass than I do. (I'm sorry, Bilbo, but even you must agree the irony is much too delicious to ignore) He is known with great reverence among our close-knit group of idiots as the Christian Cock. Check the headlines, you'll be hearing about this superhero very soon.

If I could perhaps add one final disclaimer, it would be to advise all my readers, men and especially my gentle female followers, that although there may be a hard kernel of truth to these demeaning categorizations, they are made in jest and cleary with tongue firmly planted in cheek. And whenever I say "tongue in cheek", I can't help but picture someone pantomiming fellatio with her tongue... Is it just me? Okay, it's just me.

Well, now that's out of the way, we really should get down to business. I really skimped on Part 2 and later realized that there are many more types of babes to talk about than I originally predicted.

On with the show!

Chunky Monkey
This one's easy. You may remember the pool of saliva I left at your feet when describing the Large Parts girl. Depending on my mood on any given day, I may on occasion mistake a Chunky Monkey for being a Large Parts, when in fact the lady in question is simply just borderline blubbery. Remember kids, if it looks like they've breached the body mold that God poured them into, then they no longer qualify as Large Parts.

I have no big beef against Chunky Monkeys. They are here for the same reason we all are, to get fit and to nurture their shakey sense of self-w9rth. We get into problems, however, when the Chunkies don't get that they are not yet in fabulous shape and wear gym attire unbefitting of their body measurements...

Stuffed Sausage
If you've lived in my city for any length of time, you've witnessed the phenomenon known as Lululemon. I won't get into too much detail but Lululemon is a local company that's been around for the better part of 10 years and specializes in yoga fitness wear. The trendiness of yoga, combined with Lulu's sleek styles and cachet, has made their various lines of tight pants and midriff-baring sport tops de rigeur fashion for every and all women in Vancouver.

No, scratch that. The clothing is available to all, of course, but there's only a select phylum of woman who should be seen in Lululemon clothing. For example, watching a Little Miss Breakable or a Large Parts pumping away on the stairmaster while dressed head to toe in skin-tight Lulu-wear is usually enough to pull the pin from the grenade in my pants. But to see a Stuffed Sausage waddle around in the same clothing is several shades worse than staring at the sun. We're talking optical poison here, folks.

Stuffed Sausage: picture it, shudder, shake it out, and move on.

Rape Me Factor
Alright, you're thinking I've crossed the line now. Before anyone gets up in a huff, let me just say that I do not condone rape of any kind, whether it be bodies or Third-world countries. Let me also say that this term is the creation of my genius friend, Bilbo. That's right, Bilbo the church boy! I love it! This guy is Christian and he sometimes outdoes me in the perv department. To be completely fair, I laughed my ass off when he first pointed out the Rape Me Factor and found it worthy of inclusion into this post.

These girls simply do not know when to stop. Rape Me Factors are quite often very young (17-20), so they are more apt to get their fashion cues from Cosmo, MuchMusic and their 18-year old idiot boyfriends rather than using their own good judgment, of which they have none. In their vain attempt to look "sexy", they will don shorts that are way too short and tops that are far too small. Combine that with their nubile, but still developing bodies, and you have something that simultaneously attracts and repels the eyes.

You'll only see these girls in gyms located in the most affluent parts of town. I don't think even these female numbnuts would have the balls to wear what they wear (or don't, in this case) in the less shiny neighbourhoods. Quite simply, they are begging for someone with a mustache to stalk them in a deserted parking garage.

Phone Maven aka. "No Sweat"
This girl works out without working out. She also spends way too much time yapping on her cell phone. You know the type. They'll be pedalling away on the stationary bike, level set to a challenging "1", and on a lengthy phone conversation that just can't wait. I've seen more of these chickies in the past when I used to patronize the local community centre gyms. I have yet to see a Phone Maven at Fitness World, probably because of the price tag attached to the place. Did you know that a drop-in session at Fitness World costs $15 for non-members? Insanity.

Getting back to the point, Phone Mavens usually don't need to be on the bike since they are often young, skinny Asian girls. They may be Toothpicks but more often fall somewhere in between a Skeletor and a Little Miss Breakable. Like, they are thin but they didn't work for it, so their muscle tone is lacking and may even harbour an impressive pooch instead of the soft, flat abs you'd get on a fitter chick.

You can also spot Phone Mavens out of the crowd by the tell-tale brain tumours hanging out their ear.

CBC Girl
No piece about gym babes would be complete without a few choice words about the CBC Girl. In case you're out of it, CBC stands for Canadian-Born Chinese. And let me tell you, the CBC honies I have seen thus far at Fitness World are in top, fighting form.

CBC Girls trump their overseas counterparts in a few key areas. First off, they've been raised in beautiful British Columbia (or pick your Canadian location of choice), replete with a steady diet of hormone-enhanced meats, fruits, veggies, dairy and water. Vancouver CBC Girls tend to nurture their already superior upbringing with an active lifestyle, frequent trips to the beach or tanning salon and a healthy sense of desirability.

CBC Girls and LMBs share the same body type, that is, small and tight.

Varsity Chick
You can tell a Varsity Chick by their university-emblazoned sweatshirts and other paraphernalia, as well as by their super athletic bodies. These girls are interesting in that they can attract your wandering eyes and also command a certain kind of respect. Whatever it is they train in, be it hockey, soccer, track and field... keep doing it, baby. Daddy likes.

Some of them may not be the prettiest girls on the block. In fact, most of them are pretty average in looks when you get right down to it. A few of the Fitness World staff look like they may have been Varsity Chicks in a past life. They make up for it, of course, with their battle-hardened heineys and the aura of being more low-maintenance, casual chicks.

G.I. Jane
Before you start picturing a buzz cut Demi Moore doing one-armed push-ups in the rain, I'll just tell you to stop right now. It's not what you think. I'm actually questioning whether I should even have this category, since I've only ever seen two or three woman at the gym that actually made me think the name, G.I. Jane.

These chickies mean business. They are no-nonsense gym users. Their bodies are rock-hard and they dress in Lulu-style clothing but tend to eschew the girly pinks and blues for blacks and army greens. Their breasts are also gigantic and almost out of proportion with their bodies and are most likely doctor-assisted. You'll find them wearing trucker-style caps pulled down low over their eyes, hair cinched into ponytails and the earbuds firmly planted in their ear. And yes, that would mean their iPod Nano is strapped to their arm, which always makes it look like they are monitoring their biometrics instead of just listening to music.

If you haven't pictured them in your head yet, these ladies strike an imposing form. Physically, they are very desirable, yet they are so business-like, so imposing, that only the bravest chump would even try picking them up. See these earbuds in my ear? Yeah, that means, "Don't talk to me, you're not here. Can't you see I'm sculpting my body to perfection? Don't talk to me."

No, I have not tried making idle chit chat with a G.I. Jane.

Lemonator
This is another easy one. If you've been following along at all, then you know Lululemon fashion figures heavily into the daily babe scenery of Vancouver. A Lemonator is a girl, usually a LMB, Large Parts, Toothpick Girl or CBC Girl that is draped head to toe in authentic Lululemon attire. They even carry a Lululemon bag around with them.

They're still hot and nice to look at. I just think you can go just a bit overboard with your love of a certain brand of clothing, no?

Scythables
Umm... hmmm. Um, well, this is another one of Bilbo's terms and it's almost more inappropriate. If you know the concept of the "butter" face, then you may be able to guess where Bilbo was going with the "scyth" thing. Yeah, it's kinda gross. God, Bilbo, you are such a freak. I take no responsibility for this!

And that, my furry little friends, is the end of my foray into the pig's trough of blogging. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it and hopefully my future wife never stumbles upon this blog. NEVER.

My eyes hurt. Time to retire and come back here with some clean posts once again.