Scatalogically Speaking

I once read a tip on the Internet about laying down a strip or two of toilet paper along the inside slope of a toilet bowl right before a bowel movement. The purpose of this, you ask? To prevent splash back, of course!

I've found this to be a great thing to do, although I don't practice it quite as often as I should. Part of this inconsistency is tied directly to, well, the inconsistency of my shits. We've all had the soft kind where it all just seems to slide smoothly into the bowl, like an anaconda slithering lazily into a shallow river. And we've all had the other kind, when it feels like we're pushing an avalanche of boulders off a cliff into the ocean. A lot of dramatic, messy displacement of water ensues.

Laying down a landing strip of two-ply works wonders to combat any splash damage. The only instance where I've found it ineffective, ironically, is with certain public toilets. I mean, where more would you need a method to stay clean than in a public washroom? Anyway, there are certain bowls out there that just don't have that all-important slope in the bowl that you need for the landing strip to work. The angle of descent is either way too steep or the bowl is filled to the brim in water, to the point where using the ascribed method above would create a soggy carpet rather than an effective landing strip. Plus when you sit down you're damn near close to dipping your balls into some putrid toilet water.

So here's a call to oall you toilet designers and engineers: people want their poops to have a safe, smooth landing. Let's be aware of bowl slopeage and water levels, okay?