A Club-goer's Icebreaker - Option #3561

It's almost 3:00am on a Saturday morning and I'm in a club enjoying the final stretch of a DJ's set. The jock in question has already spent most of his audience's goodwill for the last 15 minutes and has resorted to selecting a random mix of tunes to wrap up his set. The flow was gone. Ah well, it was still an excellent performance while it lasted.

I check my watch. Yup, it's about that time to start heading for the door. I look over at my roommate and he's looking a bit dazed, swaying in that particular, too-tired-to-dance-yet-too-wired-to-sit manner that is pretty typical of clubbers. Just then, an older guy in his 30's who I've spotted a few times earlier sidles up, smiling. He looks like he wants to chat.

Me: "Hey, what's up?"

Him: "Hey aren't you getting tired, standing there?"

Me: "What?"

Him: "You've been standing there for a while. You must be tired."

Me: "Oh, well I'm taking a break from dancing."

Him: "Yeah I'm just seeing the way you're standing... I would just be so tired standing like that for so long."
[While saying this, he imitates my standing posture, which by the look of it leads me to believe I was handcuffed and locked inside a broom closet for the last 15 minutes without my knowing it.]

Me: "Uh huh."

I think right about now my friendly smile may have changed to something a little less favourable. The concerned stranger smiles, nudges me on the arm and walks off. I wanly smile back.

Deep down, I know this dude probably meant well, however, I'm an asshole who needs grist for his blog, so there are a few points that I would like him to consider after our little exchange:

1.) Firstly, say it, don't spray it.

2.) I'm flattered that you were observing me long enough to notice I was standing at the outskirts of the dancefloor for a longer than a few minutes.

3.) I'm evern more flattered you care about my well-being. However, I've done exactly what you've done before, taht is go up to strangers and comment on how they're standing rather than, oh I dont' know, dancing or sitting. Maybe you truly were in awe of my amazing standing strength? Were you wondering if I have thighs of steel? Feet of cement? A spine of titanium? Based on my own experience, I was more inclined to think you were implying that I wasn't having fun or doing what was expected in that situation, which was to dance and get sweaty. Well...

If you were creepy enough to observe me for the whole night, you would have seen that I was shaking my moneymaker since the tail end of the first opener act, and all the way until the headline DJ. The only break I took was near the start of the headline act, when I went for a much needed water and sitting break. In total, I was probably dancing for two and a half hours. But who's counting? I certainly didn't notice.

4.) You're ugly. And you're a dude. Seriously, if all you were going to do was comment on my standing I would much rather have that conversation with a girl, preferably a scantily clad one, who has been dancing as much as I have and as a result is glistening with an alluring film of girly sweat. Yum.

5.) Finally, you need to work on your icebreakers. Commenting to a complete stranger about their standing is, without a doubt, lame to the max. Whatever happened to asking someone what they thought of the show, how their night's going or even better, introducing yourself and buying a drink for me? Hey, maybe your awkward icebreakers work miracles on drunk chicks, like your haggard-looking trophy Asian girlfriend, but they don't pass muster with this China boy.

Did I mention you're ugly? Please go away.