No Love for Oscar

I watched almost half of the Academy Awards last week but God knows why.

My main reason for tuning in was to catch Jon Stewart's performance as host. Since I missed his opening monologue AND the 2-hour red carpet fashionista parade, what the hell else was there to see?

Turns out, not a whole lot. I did get a taste of Stewart's sharp but restrained political humour and enjoyed the occasional barbs he tossed at the celebrity masses. He seemed relaxed and appeared to be having a good time. The post-Oscar verdict on his overall performance is pretty mixed, but I take that as a good thing. There was no way Stewart was going to buy into the oh-so-earnest schtick that has been Billy Crystal's bread and butter in all his hosting appearances. At the same time, the last thing he would want to do is piss everyone off and harp on politics the whole night.

So, back to the award show itself. Well... this is probably the second straight year where I didn't watch any of the Best Picture nominees. Not a one. I think even back in 2003, the only nominee I watched was Return of the King. Last year was the Milion Dollar Baby hoohah. What the heck was with that? 2004 seemed like a brutal year for best picture: I don't even remember any of the other films that were nominated.

So what happens is I'm watching the Oscars get handed out and I really could care less who wins because I haven't formed opnions on anything. Walk the Line? No, I didn't. Capote. Who? Brokeback Mountain? No love for the man-love. Crash. Wasn't that the car orgy thing from 1996?

No, I watched none of it. Instead of indulging in these serious, Oscar contenders, I went the other way and gorged myself on PURE PAP. That's right. Sure, I totally subscribe to the notion that even these so-called "serious" Oscar films are usually selected based on nothing more than endless hype, politics and backroom campaigning. Does that really excuse my low-brow viewing experience in 2005? Not really. Sinking $10 to watch Aeon Flux is proof enough that one should always use careful judgement before deciding to waste 2 hours of one's life.

Based on the winners that I watched, I'd go so far as to add some new categories to the mix. Here's my fantasy:

Best Use of First-Person Shooting Cinematography and Whack-a-Mole SFX
The Oscar is won quite handily by DOOM.

Best Gratuitous Casting of Steve Buscemi
The Oscar goes to... The Island.

Best Ratio of Non-Story to Scenes of Charlize Theron's Lithe Body Twirling Through the Air
The Oscar goes to... Aeon Flux.

Best Effort in Utterly Destroying an HK Martial Artist's Career
The Oscar goes to... Unleashed!

Ok, this is getting sad. I do plan on catching up on my movies. Good Night, and Good Luck got completely shafted out of an award and I'm most eager to check it out. Anyone seen it?