The Weakness of Waking

I've found that foggy divide between sleep and wakefulness is where I am most mentally vulnerable. If my hopes, goals, anxieties and fears are manifested in dreams through symbolism and metaphor, then it is when I am waking thay they come to speak directly to me. My brain is still booting up from standby and my mental defenses are down. So thoughts and emotions, good or bad, come to me unbidden and unobstructed. It's not often pleasant.

I woke up this Wednesday morning feeling as if I have really pissed away my life between the ages of 21 and 29. A rapidly cycling reel of memories hit me in the face. It was a blurry mess, so I couldn't really pick out any particular moments to mull over. It was just a generalized mass of regrets. There were trips that I never took, jobs I wasted time at, education I never pursued, relationships I failed to foster, lessons I thought I had learned but didn't, lessons that had yet to be learned and visions of a dark future. Okay, so it wasn't all about regrets. I just felt tired and unwilling to get out of bed.

Clearly, this was the kind of cheery morning not even a steaming hot grandé dark roast could help.

I had this coming, this bout of morning weakness. I've been experiencing an occupational crisis. The simple fact is work in the office has been dreadfully slow but it's made me feel like an adjunct to the whole operation. I've pondered the situation and figured it might be the lack of stimulating projects. That theory may wash, if it wasn't for a side project I have going on that does require creativity and control and I have no motivation to work on it.... even for pay! I'm stuck and there's no dancing around that truth.

There's also the age thing. I'm looking 30 in the face and feeling I have nothing to show for it material-wise, relationship-wise, career-wise or maturity-wise. I've always been against the fixation to look at life as a series of predetermined "stages" but it doesn't mean I'm immune to it. Where do I go from here? I think that's a pretty useful question, as broad as it is.

Where do I go from here? At least the question leaves the past where it belongs. Few things are worse than wallowing in bad memory lane.

Well having that coffee and putting some lunch into my stomach has fortified my mind again. I'm feeling the resolve flow through my limbs. In lieu of doing something work-related today I've been browsing through the BC Work Futures website. It's been very informative and I plan on combing through all the different industries of work, even those areas that I know I have absolutely no interest in.

In the meantime, I'll try to cheer up and get back to blogging about bullshit.